I’m doing it. I have so many mixed emotions around this, and trust me when I tell you–I DID NOT make this decision easily.
I am having an abdominoplasty (tummy tuck) on October 7 with Dr. Bansal outside of San Francisco.
I have gone back and forth for 11 YEARS about this decision, and I want to share why I made the decision to do this for myself.
Why did I wait so long? And what changed my mind? Let’s talk.
The fear: What if something happens during surgery? How can I ask for help when everyone depends on me.
This is a major abdominal surgery. My surgeon estimates it will take 3.5 hours to complete the surgery, and I’m looking at an 8 week recovery with no exercise and then many months of limited exercise.
I’ve had this nagging voice in the back of my head that since this is elective, “What if something went wrong and I CHOSE this?” My kids rely on me. My husband relies on me. This community relies on me. I would be lying if I said this didn’t feel selfish to some extent.
The reality: I will be okay, and so will my family.
My anxiety is real. This is a major surgery. But, I trust my surgeon. I trust my body to heal.
And…I trust Kevin, as my partner, to help me with all the things around the house and kids.
I trust my work team to keep the ship afloat. I know this will be a sacrifice for EVERYONE.
I will, no doubt, continue to feel fear and guilt, but I also know this is the right decision for ME, and it is okay for me to say this is what I want and need.
The fear: Am I even body positive if I do this? Do I not love myself after all?
As females, we are the target of a lot of unachievable and ever-changing body “ideals.” I worry that this surgery might be seen as me conforming to those ideals.
- What message does it send to my sons who will one day have wives who also might have postpartum skin?
- What message does it send to my mom community here who appreciate my realness around my post-baby body struggles?
- Will women feel like I’ve turned my back on the core belief that I’ve always held, which is, “Every body is a good body”?
The reality: I know my body is a good body. And I’m tired of feeling weighed down–literally.
I have worked for more than a decade to love this body in her very changed, postpartum shape. I’ve spent countless hours restoring core function. I fuel her with respect. I thank her daily for giving me my sons and helping me feel strong through motherhood.
At the end of the day, I do love this body. And at the end of the day, this skin IS so freaking UNCOMFORTABLE.
Not for how it looks, but for how it FEELS. I had a c-section and the skin hangs over the scar. My scar is bothersome (they are going to clean it up!), and it feels yucky (I can’t explain it, but if you know, you know!). Even underwear feels uncomfortable.
The truth is…I’m tired of thinking about this skin ALL THE TIME. It takes up so much space in my head. I wish it didn’t, but it does.
My New Year’s resolution was to wear more non-workout clothes. But every single outfit I put on is a chore. The skin bellows out the top of my jeans. I can’t find pants that fit right because my skin makes my waist bigger, but then the jeans are baggy everywhere else. The amount of energy that this skin consumes has become worse than the idea of surgery.
The fear: Am I erasing motherhood from my body?
I have felt a deep connection to this skin. I know that sounds weird. We used IVF to get pregnant and I felt like getting rid of this skin meant I wasn’t thankful for my twins.
My small frame worked so hard to carry 7 and 6lbs twins to term. How can I not be proud of that? The skin that hangs from my body reminds me of how hard this body worked to create the coolest humans.
There is a big part of me that will mourn not having this skin. Plus, Miles and I share a birthmark on our tummies in the exact same spot, and that birthmark will go when they take the skin. That feels inexplicably sad to me.
The reality: Motherhood is in my heart, not my body.
I will still have stretch marks and scars–reminders of my journey. But I do feel like I’m entering a very different phase of life. My kids are older (17, 12, 12, and 3). I can’t explain it entirely, but being in my 40s has really made me feel more like I want to come back to “me.” And part of coming back to me means that I want to feel entirely good in this skin (or lack thereof).
The fear: Do I have the patience for recovery?
I am not the type of person who sits still. Movement is my therapy. I know the rehab process will be long and arduous. I know I will have moments of: HOW COULD I DO THIS TO MYSELF? I have been deeply dreading having to start over from the ground up.
The reality: I am strong. I’ve come back before and I’ll come back again.
Every time I’ve mentioned that I’m thinking of surgery, moms who have had a tummy tuck always say it is the best decision they ever made. They feel stronger and freer after. I’ve spoken with many women who felt similar to me, and they unanimously agree that it was a good decision for them.
It is the same thing I tell all my postpartum moms. Healing takes time, but we always come back stronger. I believe the same will be true of this.
Thank you all for your love and kindness during this time. This community has always been so damn supportive and I’m grateful.
With Love (and Fear),
Ashley